Alright everybody, let's get real here.
I'm up waaaay past my bed time, but I feel like it's about the only time I'll really feel like doing this.
I know I keep disappearing for days, weeks, sometimes even months at a time.
In fact I believe that at one point I was gone for a couple of years and it may have been longer.
This is going to sound like excuses, it sounds like them to me and I'm writing it.
But I can't go anymore without talking about this.
To anyone who sticks around long enough to read my whining, thank you, all of you are the best.
Right, now to the deep shit.
Any of you who've read even a quarter of my poetry can probably tell that I haven't always been an especially happy person, and I would be lying if I tried to say that has changed.
I just hide it better now.
I've changed, grown a lot tougher both inside and out, but at the same time I guess I'm still that same broken person on the inside.
The whole reason I disappear for up to months on end at times is because sometimes life just gets to be too much, I can't draw, I can't write, I can't function.
I go through the motions and everyone who is close to me thinks I'm fine but the truth is that I'm usually very much not.
I have days where it's just a little tiny void in the back of my head and other days where I can't even pull myself out of bed in the morning until I've lain there awake for hours.
It isn't even a sadness, I simply can't feel anything properly, it's just all on the surface and once the situation is over the feelings are gone.
I feel detached and out of touch with everything and everybody in my world nearly all the time, even when I'm right there watching TV or playing a game with them.
I can't feel the things they feel and so I just pretend because at the end of the day it's just plain easier for me and it's better for them.
There really isn't any genuine reason I should feel like this all the time, my life is good and I have everything I need and more.
But I still can't shake the knowledge that even if I ended up truly alone I wouldn't feel anything.
Sure, there would be a bit of sadness on the surface, but it would fade much more quickly than it should, no matter how much I actually care.
If someone leaves me or doesn't want to talk to me they have their reasons and I see no point in forcing the issue.
I have no capacity for true attachment and that scares me, because I wouldn't be able to react normally the way I should even if my husband were to leave me.
If he found someone else to love I would just let him go, all I would ask for from him is if he would mind terribly much letting me have just one car so I could move on.
I'd leave him the house, everything I didn't need and I'd let him move one with whomever he decided to love.
And I can't say any of this because I know what would happen, even though I know in my head that I know people who are supposed to help I don't really think I can expect that from them, only judgement.
Someone once told me they thought it just sounded like I just get bored in relationships, which I suppose is true if you squint, but I feel like this is worse than just getting bored.
I have moved on from so many people in my life, including my own family and I feel nothing for most of them now.
I have fond memories of old friends that sort of make me smile and I can count on one hand the number of memories that make me miss the people in them.
There's nothing at all that I wish that I could get back.
I've lost too much for that I think, lost too much at all the worst times in my life to lose anything, and I think it's made me incapable of having real feelings that actually mean something.
Everything I feel is just on the surface, there's nothing deep and there's nothing that would tear me apart to lose.
I'm probably in a really bad place right now, but honestly, I can't even bring myself to worry because it's just too exhausting and I can't be bothered with the effort.
I've been debating with myself this whole time of whether it's even worth it to post this journal, but I suppose I can just take it down later if I decide it's too much hassle.
Anyway, thanks for listening to a late night/early morning rant and/or one-person pity party.
To anyone who's made it this far, tell me your favorite animal and your favorite color and you'll find something cute and maybe a little fantastical in my gallery the next few times I post.
I still think you all are the best and thanks for keeping up.